that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize