so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I want to make a zoo with you.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
