you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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