I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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