If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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