I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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