shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
