So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
