all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
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Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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