a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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