I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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