She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dick very happy bro
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
