Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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