I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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