im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
