The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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