lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
