How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
