the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
