Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
