I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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