Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
