I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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