Kareoke will never be a sober sport
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
