Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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