The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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