i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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