I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
