JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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