Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
