considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
