a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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