you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
