last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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