Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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