I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
