Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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