my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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