my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
