Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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