So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
