OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
