so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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