I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
