You just made me feel so damn special
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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