I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
