dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
