so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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