My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
