my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
