i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
