Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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