GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
