Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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