i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
